The first step in stopping violence is seeing it and taking responsibility for it. Ignoring the painful realities of abuse does not make them go away — it helps them grow more painful and more ugly. It is not enough to say, "I'm sorry. I'll never do it again."

The following questions may help you identify actions or behaviors that are common in abusive relationships:

• Do you need to know where your partner is at all times and with whom and doing what?
• Do you consider it important that things go your way?
• Have you ever hit, slapped, choked or pushed your partner?
• Do you think that your partner sometimes deserves to be hit?
• Have you ever thrown things or hit walls during an argument with your partner?
• Have you ever said or thought, "If I can't have you, nobody can!"?
• Have you ever followed your partner when he or she didn't want you to?
• Have you ever physically stopped your partner from leaving?
• Do you feel like you need to protect your family from meddling outsiders who just don't or won't understand the way things work in your family?
• Do you know, in your heart-of-hearts, that you have been abusive to your partner, and you just don't know what to do about it or how to stop?
• If yes, are you afraid to ask for help in addressing your behavior because:
• You might lose your job?
• You might lose your friends?
• It will be too expensive?
• You might lose your family?
• You don't want to be the only one changing?

If you found yourself answering "yes" to several of these questions, even if you think there are good reasons for those "yes" answers, please call the Aetna Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and ask to speak to a counselor. The counselor can help you locate resources and provide you with referrals to trained professionals with whom you can speak.

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