Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is a crime that affects millions of families each year in the United States. Though both women and men can be victims, the majority of victims are women. Additionally, children suffer from domestic violence as witnesses or as victims of violence themselves. If you or a loved one is a victim of domestic abuse—or you feel you may be at risk of hurting someone you love—this guide can provide you with general information on what constitutes abuse, the warning signs of violence, and tips for getting help. We have also included a "Helpful Resources" section at the end of this guide that includes information on organizations that may be able to provide additional help. Please note, this guide is intended to provide general information only; if you are the victim of domestic violence or you are feel you may hurt others, please seek professional help immediately.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is physical
or verbal abuse that occurs in a family situation. It is used to establish
control over another through fear or intimidation. Abuse does not only consist
of physical battering; it can be sexual, emotional, or psychological in nature.
Even just the threat of violence can be a form of abuse. Generally, acts of
abuse fall into one of three main categories:
- Physical abuse—May consist of pushing, slapping, hitting, punching, pulling hair, choking and breaking bones. In the most serious cases, physical abuse can result in murder. It also includes denial of basic human needs such as food, sleep, medical care or money.
- Sexual assault—This includes any attempt to force a partner to have sex or perform sexual acts against his or her will, physically attacking a partner's body, treating a partner like a sexual object and threatening physical violence should a partner refuse to comply with sexual demands. Sexual assault can also take the form of obscene telephone calls, indecent exposure, unwanted touching and rape.
- Psychological/Emotional abuse—May include verbal abuse, humiliation, name-calling or put-downs, threats of violence against the person, social isolation or control, excessive possessiveness, withholding of money, destroying possessions, etc.
Can Domestic Violence Be Predicted?
It is difficult to
predict who will become an abuser. Some abusers have no signs, or few signs, of
abuse, however, there are some signs that may indicate the potential for abuse,
including:
- Family history (abused children or children who witness abuse often become abusers)
- Quick temper and use of force to solve problems
- Low self-esteem
- Abuse of alcohol and other drugs
- Appearance of having two personalities
- Extreme jealousy
- Rough treatment of partner and/or the desire to make a partner afraid
- View of violence as not serious
Keep in mind, if someone you know exhibits one or more of these traits; it is not mean they are capable of violent behavior. These are guidelines only. Keep in mind that, while it is not always easy to predict who will become an abuser, once abuse has occurred, the cycle of violence is predictable. Domestic violence is rarely a one-time event. A series of minor incidents often leads to more serious violence. If your partner abuses you in any way, seek help. Even if your partner apologizes and promises that it won't happen again, in most cases it will.
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
Although there are
obvious signs of domestic abuse, such as physical or sexual assault, there are
more subtle warning signs that may indicate that you may be in an abusive
relationship, or become the victim of abuse. If you can answer "yes" to any of
the following questions, seek help immediately:
Questions to Ask Yourself:
- Are you afraid of your partner's temper?
- Are you constantly concerned about what kind of mood your partner is in?
- Is your partner overly jealous or possessive?
- Has your partner threatened to hurt you, your children, your friends or to destroy personal possessions?
- Does your partner put you down or make degrading remarks about you in public?
- Do you often go along with whatever your partner wishes just to keep the peace?
- Has your partner hit, grabbed, bitten, burned, slapped or pushed you?
- Has your partner used a gun, knife or other weapon against you?
- Has your partner held or squeezed you so hard that it left a bruise?
- Has your partner forced you to have sex or perform sexual acts when you did not want to?
- Has your partner threatened to harm or kill him or herself if you would not do something?
Staying Safe
It takes great courage to leave an abusive
situation. Many victims are afraid to leave their abuser due to economic
reasons, the risk of losing custody of their children, low self-esteem, a
desire to keep the family together, religious or cultural influences,
exhaustion, or the threat of more serious violence against them or their
children. However, there are resources available to help you safely leave an
abusive relationship. The following tips may assist you in taking the first
step:
- Know that you have rights and that you can take action. Domestic violence is a crime and you are entitled to protection by the law.
- Get medical help if you are a victim of violence. Go to a hospital or doctor and report what happened and ask that they document your visit.
- Document any evidence of physical abuse (torn clothes and photos of bruises and injuries).
- Give essential items to a person you trust for safekeeping, including a spare set of keys, extra clothes, important papers (i.e., birth certificate, social security card, spare driver's license, etc), prescriptions and money.
- Plan ahead for the safest time to get away and the items you need to take with you.
- Rehearse with your children and identify a safe place where they can go for help if needed.
- Know where you can go for help. Tell someone what is happening to you and bring along telephone numbers of friends, relatives and domestic abuse programs.
- Call the police if you are in immediate danger and need help.
- Ask a neighbor to call police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your home and/or arrange a signal with a neighbor. For example, if the porch light is on, call the police.
- Contact your local domestic abuse hotline, shelters or other resources available in the "Helpful Resources" section of this digest.
- Speak with your human resources representative, supervisor, security or a counselor about the best way to stay safe—and keep your co-workers safe—while at work.
- In order to maintain safety after a relationship ends, keep a copy of your restraining order (if applicable) with you at all times and leave a copy with someone you trust; and make your home as safe as possible by changing the locks and installing a security system, smoke detectors, and an outside lighting system.
- Tell your caregivers the names of those who have permission to pick up your children and instruct them never to let your children leave with anyone else.
How Abuse Affects Children
Living in an abusive home
can have serious long-term effects on children, even if they are not direct
victims of physical, sexual or psychological/emotional abuse. Children living
in a home where abuse takes place against a partner are more likely to receive
mistreatment or neglect, are at greater risk for physical or sexual abuse, and
may suffer emotional consequences of seeing or hearing a family member be
abused. Even infants can sense the effects of abuse and may become fussy,
refuse to eat, have difficulty sleeping and suffer developmental problems.
School-aged children may imitate the violence they see and/or become
aggressive, violent or destructive with toys, siblings, friends or pets. Other
children become withdrawn, fearful or anxious. They often have trouble making
friends, low self-esteem, and may do poorly in school. Adolescents may have
similar reactions and, in addition, they may engage in risky behaviors and
become violent as adults.
Recognizing Abuse in a Friend or Loved One
Crimes of
domestic violence are often overlooked by family members, friends, colleagues,
neighbors and the police, which can make it even more difficult for the victims
to receive the help they need. Additionally, many victims don't think of
themselves as abused or battered. If you suspect that a friend, loved one or
co-worker may be in an abusive relationship, watch for the following signs,
which may indicate domestic violence:
- Depression, anger, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts—Signs of depression, anxiety or becoming withdrawn may indicate long-term emotional or psychological abuse.
- Medical problems—Pay attention to chronic complaints of poor health, frequent visits to the doctor or hospital, fatigue, puffy eyes, changes in eating or sleeping habits, frequent "falls" or "accidents" resulting in bruises or injuries, or overuse of alcohol, drugs or sedatives.
- Emotional distress—Look for signs of agitation, anxiety, confused thinking, lack of eye contact, isolation, inability to make decisions, criticism by a partner in front of others, and nervousness or anxiety when talking about a partner.
- Inappropriate dress—Watch for changes in dress, such as wearing hats, sunglasses while indoors, turtlenecks during warm weather, etc.
Note—These indications are not proof that domestic violence exists—they are merely signs that it might be occurring.
Tips for Helping a Loved One or Friend Get Out of an Abusive
Relationship
If a friend or loved one is being abused, it is
important to help them get out of the relationship and get to safety. As
mentioned earlier in this guide, victims often have many reasons for not
leaving their abuser, and pushing someone into taking action that he or she is
hesitant to pursue will only increase their feelings of powerlessness. However,
if someone you know is in immediate danger, the situation may require more
support or action on your part, especially if the victim is not emotionally or
physically able to help him or herself. The following tips may help guide you
in offering support to an abuse victim:
- Phone the police if you are concerned about the person's safety. Do not physically intervene in domestic violence.
- Don't ask the person being abused what he or she did to provoke the violence. This just reinforces the belief that he or she is at fault.
- Help the victim understand what he or she is feeling. A person who has been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused and scared. Let him or her know these are normal feelings. Find a private place to speak with the victim and ask open-ended, non-threatening questions. For example, "You seem to be a little down. Would you like to talk about it?"
- Don't make decisions for the victim; rather encourage him or her to seek help. It is usually best to let him or her decide to stay, leave or seek help.
- Do not expect a person being abused to make hurried decisions. Many victims choose to stay with the partner in hope that the violence will stop. You can help the individual by providing long-term support and encouragement. Unfortunately, it may take years for the victim to make the decision to leave.
- Never discuss the violence in the presence of the abuser. The victim may feel too threatened to speak freely in the presence of his or her abusive partner and if he or she does speak out, the repercussions may be serious.
- If the victim does leave the abusive relationship, never pass on information about his or her whereabouts to anyone.
- If someone has an obvious physical injury, don't ignore it; ask him or her about it as sensitively as possible. If the individual insists that the injury was caused by an accident, all you can do is indicate that you feel this may not be the case and that you would be willing to listen if he or she wanted to discuss it now or in the future.
- Take action to ensure the safety of the abused person regardless of whether he or she stays in the relationship or leaves. Inform the victim of options available for support such as seeking legal advice, joining a support group, filing assault charges, obtaining a restraining order, planning an escape or making a plan to alert neighbors.
- Provide the victim with information on how to access community or employer-sponsored resources and encourage him or her to seek counseling. For information on organizations that assist victims of domestic violence, please see the "Helpful Resources" section at the end of this guide.
- Help the victim develop a safety plan and offer to be the "trusted person" identified in the "Staying Safe" section above who keeps items on hand, etc.
Are You At Risk of Becoming Abusive?
Even if you do not
think of yourself as an abusive person, there are some warning signs that may
indicate you are hurting someone you love. The National Coalition Against
Domestic Violence recommends asking yourself the following questions:
- Has my partner told me that my words or actions hurt him or her?
- Has my partner asked me to stop those hurtful words or actions?
- Have I ever used force or threats to make my partner do something that he or she didn't want to do?
- Have I ever used force or threats to prevent my partner from doing something he or she wanted to do?
- Has my partner complained that I have pressured him or her into unwanted sexual activities?
- Has my partner complained that I control or dominate his or her life in unwanted ways?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, of if you feel that you may potentially hurt yourself or someone else, seek help immediately. Contact a mental health professional, the police or one of the helpful resources below.
Helpful Resources
American Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence
740 15th Street, N.W.
9th Floor
Washington, D.C. 20005
http://www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html
This site offers a wealth of
information and statistics on domestic violence. It provides resources and
contact information for many national and local organizations that can provide
attorney referrals, shelter referrals, advocacy programs and other information.
National Center for Victims of Crime
2000 M Street,
N.W., Suite 480
Washington, D.C. 20036
800-FYI-CALL
(800-394-2255)
TTY: 800-211-7996
www.ncvc.org
This organization
offers crime victims and concerned individuals with practical information on
appropriate local services, counseling, advocacy, safety planning, shelters and
other supportive services.
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
PO
Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
303-839-1852
http://www.ncadv.org
NCADV serves as a national information and referral
center for the general public, media, battered women and their children. It
also offers a list of state coalition offices and telephone numbers you can
call to find support and a shelter nearest you.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
PO Box 161810
Austin, Texas 78716
800-799-SAFE (7233)
TDD Hearing Impaired:
800-787-3224
http://www.ndvh.org
The hotline provides help for
domestic violence victims nationwide, 24-hours a day, 365 days a year. The
service is toll-free and operates throughout the United States, Puerto Rico and
the Virgin Islands. The web site provides information on domestic violence, a
suggested reading list, and additional domestic violence links.
Excerpted from "A LifeCare® Guide: Domestic Violence." Copyright© 2002 LifeCare®, Inc. All rights reserved.
This publication is for general informational purposes only and it is not intended to provide any reader with specific authority, advice or recommendations. Where you deem necessary, we suggest that you seek advice regarding your particular situation from the appropriate professional.
Copyright© 2010, LifeCare®, Inc.
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