Peer Pressure And TeensIf you’re like many other parents, you may be concerned about how your child will respond to peer pressure. Much has been made of the negative impact peers can have on teens, leading them into misadventures that, left on their own, “good kids” would avoid. Fortunately, this fear is simply another myth about the teen years. Noted expert on adolescence, Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., reports that research shows teens are much more likely to follow peers in meaningless areas, such as fashion and hairstyles. When it comes to life values, however, teens generally follow those that are important to their families, regardless of their friends’ behavior.
A child who is hanging out with the wrong crowd usually gives clues through his or her behavior. For example, a teen may become overly secretive about friends and activities, spend time alone at home, and lose interest in the friends and activities he or she used to enjoy. If your child’s grades start to slip at the same time, it should sound an alarm. Try not to make accusations, but do find out what’s going on. If necessary, talk to your child’s teachers, the school counselor, other parents and your child’s former friends. As you prepare to talk to your child, recognize that you will be walking a fine line—aggressiveness on your part may alienate your child and defeat your purpose. Be firm and loving, but realize your child may be in over his or her head without knowing how to get out. This may be the time for you to step in and help your child deal with peer pressure.
Curfews for Teens
A curfew is a predetermined time at which your child is required to be home. A curfew establishes a boundary, giving your child a sense of structure—something teens are not often able to provide on their own. It also allows you to recognize and respond to your child’s age and growing maturity. By increasing the length of time he or she is allowed to be out, you are acknowledging that he or she is indeed growing up. Finally, a curfew can be the “out” a teenager needs to remove him or herself from uncomfortable situations—“Sorry, I have to be home now,” can help a teen escape from an uncomfortable situation. The exact hour of the curfew should depend on a number of factors including if it’s a school night or the weekend, a special event, or your child’s maturity level.
When you discuss curfews with your child, talk about what will happen if he or she is late or misses a curfew. Knowing that being late means no evenings out for two weeks, for example, can be a powerful motivator for a teen to stay within the limits. Of course, if your child breaks the curfew excessively, you may need to increase the punishment accordingly. As your child gets older, it is reasonable for him or her to have the privilege of later hours as long as the child has proven to be responsible and trustworthy. A good time to review the curfew is at the beginning of each school year.
Once you have established a curfew, it doesn’t mean your child has free reign to do whatever he or she wants within that time. You have every right to know where your child is, and whom he or she is with. Consider setting rules ahead of time in which your child agrees to report:
- Who he or she is going out with
- Where he or she is going
- What time he or she will check-in
- Any change in plans
Additionally, make it clear what activities are off-limits; for example, clubs you don’t approve of or parties without adults present, and the consequences for breaking the rules.
Teen Dating
Younger teenagers tend to stick with their own gender before gradually spending their time in mixed groups—at parties, going to the movies or simply hanging out. Although girls generally start to date around age 14 or 15, and boys around age 15 or 16, typical “dating” still takes place largely as a group function. Eventually, boys and girls in their later mid-teens prefer one-on-one time with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Whenever dating starts, parents should remember that, for most teenagers, dating has more to do with their search for self-identity and developing social skills than it does with finding a meaningful relationship. Indeed, few teenage relationships, no matter how intense in high school, become lasting one
Don’t be surprised if your child attempts to hide any kind of romantic interest from you at first. Many teens feel awkward about these new feelings, and they want to keep this part of their life—no matter how innocent it may be—private from their parents. However, you do have a right to know where your child is going and with whom at all times, especially on a date. Once your teen starts to see someone on a regular basis, get to know this person just as you would any of your child’s other friends. Arrange for your teen to bring his or her girlfriend or boyfriend to the house on a casual basis so you may be introduc
For the most part, dating is an exciting time, and a wonderful opportunity for teens to understand themselves better, become more socially skilled, and learn to become comfortable with members of the opposite sex. Admittedly, this can be an anxious time for all concerned, but if you focus on the healthy, fun aspects of dating, you can help your child do the same. Use the following tips to help make your child feel more comfortable dating.
Tips for Parents on Teenage Dating
- Don’t push your child into dating. Teens mature at different rates, and it is best to allow them to take on this important social development when they feel ready, even if it seems later than you think is best. However, your guidance may be required if your teen wishes to date before you feel he or she is emotionally ready. If your teen expresses an interest in dating too soon, talk with your teen about why you feel he or she should wait. Typically, less-mature, easily impressionable and less responsible teens should hold off on dating. Stress that your decision will not be permanent—and agree to review the decision with your teen at regular intervals. Be sure to also listen to your teen’s views on why he or she wishes to date.
- Be sensitive to your child’s awkwardness. This area of social development is often one of the most trying for teens, and your supportive attitude will be soothing to your child. Be careful not to make any remarks your child might interpret as poking fun at him or her; your child may already be feeling self-conscious and teasing may just make him or her feel more unsure.
- Remind your child not to do anything that makes him or her uncomfortable. Teens must know to speak up and say no to an activity, a destination or anything else that makes them feel uncomfortable. This is good preparation for protecting themselves from dangerous situations and unwanted sexual encounters.
- Tell your child about your early dating experiences. Knowing that you too went through some exciting and/or awkward times can be a source of relief to a child just starting out in the dating world.
- When a break-up occurs, be sympathetic, but don’t crowd your child with advice. Respect your teen’s feelings, and encourage him or her to talk about them. Try not to give advice that makes light of the situation. Keep in mind that your child is hurting.
- If you object to the person your teen is dating, gently voice your concerns. Before you share your feelings with your teen, make sure they are valid concerns. For example, if you simply don’t like the boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s personality, try to keep your feelings to yourself. If, on the other hand, you feel strongly that your teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend is a bad influence on your teen, you may want to gently voice your concerns. Your teen may get angry or upset but encourage your teen to share his or her feelings with you. Perhaps he or she will convince you otherwise.
If you suspect your child may be in an abusive relationship, whether emotionally or physically, get your child out of the situation as soon as possible—despite your child’s objections. Stress that he or she should walk away from this kind of treatment immediately. If the relationship persists, seek professional help for your child from your child’s doctor or a school counselor or therapist. If you feel your child is in physical danger, call the police and report any incidents.
Now that your teen is encountering the variety of social situations and pressures discussed throughout this chapter (dating, driving, peer pressure, etc.), he or she may be faced with people and situations that may force him or her to make adult decisions—many of which have serious consequences.
Excerpted from "A LifeCare® Guide: Parenting Your Teen." Copyright© 2002 LifeCare®, Inc. All rights reserved.
This publication is for general informational purposes only and it is not intended to provide any reader with specific authority, advice or recommendations. Where you deem necessary, we suggest that you seek advice regarding your particular situation from the appropriate professional.
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