Disciplining Teens
In many ways, there is no more difficult time to practice discipline with your child than during the teen years. These years are a time when parents should be promoting independence by reducing the amount of input they have in their child's life, yet the consequences of bad decisions on the part of teenagers can be great. To help you strike a balance between being overly strict and overly permissive, the following discipline tips may help:
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Don't overreact. Overreacting to actions and attitudes that don't actually hurt anyone, including your child, shifts the focus away from what really matters. For example, if you really don't like your child's latest music or fashions, but they are not offensive or inappropriate, do your best to leave your child alone and complain to your spouse or a friend instead.
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Be clear about the rules. By making the house rules well known to all, your teen can't plead ignorance for breaking one. You may even want to post house rules in a common area. Additionally, it may help to get input from your teen when making the rules. For example, when setting your teen's curfew, decide together on the time he or she must be home. This may help your teen be more responsible in upholding the rule.
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Listen before you act. Sometimes teens honestly do have a valid reason for breaking the rules. It is entirely possible that there really was a flat tire, or that the person who was supposed to provide the ride home showed up late. Hear your child out before you reprimand him or her.
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Let the punishment fit the crime. The most effective lessons for teaching teens are consequences, and the seriousness of the consequence should match the crime. A 16-year-old who stays out two hours after curfew needs a strong enough penalty to underscore the seriousness of the offense, perhaps being grounded for two weeks. Not completing an assignment -- and getting a poor grade as a result -- is an example of a natural consequence that for some teens may be the best teacher.
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Follow through. Believe in the rules you set, and once you put them in place, be consistent and stick with them. You can probably assume that your child will come up with many reasons why "this one time" you should bend the rule; occasionally, there may be a valid reason, but consistency is usually the best policy.
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Remember the power of praise. Remember to compliment your teen for handling life well. Much of what he or she is learning now is new, and sometimes verbalizing what a good job he or she is doing can do wonders for your teen's confidence -- and his or her willingness to cooperate with you.
Setting Limits
All teens need a solid structure in which to function, and the limits you establish and uphold -- through your discipline -- should provide that. For instance, you'll probably need to set limits for curfews, certain behaviors, school and household responsibilities, and treatment of others. The issues that are important to you, and for which you demand respect, are the real stepping stones in helping your child understand what it is to become an adult.
When setting limits for acceptable behavior, pick your battles. Teens enjoy doing things that make them distinctly different from their parents; it's a normal part of the separation process, but it can be unnerving for you. For example, a few years ago your child probably dressed as you wished for special occasions; now your child may insist on wearing something you consider inappropriate. The question facing parents, then, is whether to make an issue of the situation. Ask yourself if the situation is worth a confrontation. It may help to remind yourself that your son's green-tipped hair or your daughter's moody behavior is temporary and your child will grow out of it. You may want to save your energy and the impact of your directives for the bigger issues, such as respect for others, academic responsibilities, etc. These are the ones that will help your child eventually create a framework for successful living.
Source: "A LifeCareR Guide: Positive Parenting Strategies For The Teenage Years." Copyright 2008 LifeCare, Inc. All rights reserved.
This publication is for general informational purposes only and it is not intended to provide any reader with specific authority, advice or recommendations. Where you deem necessary, we suggest that you seek advice regarding your particular situation from the appropriate professional.
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