Communicating Effectively With Teens
Most teenagers still want to communicate with their parents --
just not all the time. You may need to adapt your method of
communication by making opportunities for meaningful conversations
and learning to "read between the lines." Privacy, to many teens,
is an important part of becoming an adult, and teens may not want
to tell you everything that's happening in their lives. This
doesn't mean that they are hiding information; rather, it's a sign
of becoming more independent. The following tips may help you
better communicate with your teen.
Active/Empathetic Listening
Teenagers often complain that their parents don't listen to
them. To listen actively to your teen, be sure your conversations
take place at a time and in a setting where your complete attention
is available. When your child speaks, listen and then repeat your
child's major points by saying, for example, "If I understand
correctly, you're upset because your teacher seems to be giving you
work that is too advanced." It also helps to focus on what you
perceive to be your child's feelings about a situation: "I gather
you're really angry about this." In this way, you can avoid
misunderstandings and, at the same time, help your child identify
and manage his or her emotions. Toward the end of the conversation,
ask your child if there is anything else he or she would like to
talk about and make reference to the discussion. Over the next few
weeks, follow up; for example, ask about the level of work the
teacher is assigning, how your child is managing it, and how he or
she feels now. By reminding your child of the conversation, you
show that you were listening -- and that you care.
| Empathize With Your Teen |
| Everyone, including your teen, needs empathy -- listening without judgment and connecting on an emotional level. For example, if your son complains about the way a teacher treated him, try not to lecture about how he should make an effort to get along better with the teacher; that won't ease his frustration. Instead, listen with a sympathetic ear and tune in to your son's emotions. Think about how you would feel if you had a conflict at work; do you want someone to listen, or hand out advice? Instead, reassure your child that you understand by acknowledging his or her feelings and offering empathy, support and guidance. |
Talking With Your Teen
Meaningful conversations with your teenager can be extremely satisfying. An exchange of thoughts, ideas and observations with your teen opens the door, even if just an inch or two, to the many changes he or she is experiencing. It can reassure you that you are doing a good job as a parent; or, at other times, a conversation might tip you off to situations to watch out for. When talking to your teen, consider the following tips:
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Avoid lecturing. Teens generally don't like to hear how things used to be or how you think they should be -- and may tune you out.
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Don't act as if you have all the answers. Ask your child for his or her ideas on how to handle situations. This shows you value your teen's thoughts and opinions.
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Keep any judgmental thoughts to yourself. Stick with the subject at hand.
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Allow your child to talk without interruption until he or she gets to the point. It may take your child a few minutes to state what is really on his or her mind.
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Show respect for your child's point of view, even if you don't agree with it.
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Develop common interests with your child such as a sport or favorite movie. Enjoying similar interests and hobbies provides a rich source from which to draw for future conversations.
Tip: Your child should be aware of your schedule and how to reach you at all times. Although teenagers may act as if they don't care, it may make them anxious not knowing your whereabouts and how to get in touch.
Developing Opportunities for Communication
With so many responsibilities and time pressures facing families today, opportunities for family communication can be few. It's important, though, to set aside quality, face-to-face time together to promote communication and assure your child that you are available and accessible. Consider the following approaches:
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Build structure. Consider making one dinner a week mandatory for all family members, allowing no telephone interruptions or visits from friends. This gives family members a chance to talk about what's going on and to focus on each other.
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Seize the moment. Catch up with your child whenever you have an opportunity, though this may require some spontaneity. Being in a car together is almost always a good chance to talk; ordering a pizza to share when you have a quiet night at home is another way to catch up.
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Eliminate distractions. Cutting down on household distractions, such as the radio and television, sets the stage for conversation. Try not to bury yourself in the paper or a book when it's possible to have real communication.
Source: "A LifeCareR Guide: Positive Parenting Strategies For The Teenage Years." Copyright 2008 LifeCare, Inc. All rights reserved.
This publication is for general informational purposes only and it is not intended to provide any reader with specific authority, advice or recommendations. Where you deem necessary, we suggest that you seek advice regarding your particular situation from the appropriate professional.
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