Explaining Adoption: At What Age Should I Begin?

Experts differ markedly on when a child should be told about adoption, although most agree that it should be prior to adolescence. Some experts recommend waiting until the child is between 8 and 11 years old and can understand such a complex subject. Others believe that children should be told as young as age 3 or 4.

Infants

Experts disagree quite strongly about whether adoptive parents should use the words "adoption" or "adopted" around infants. Some experts believe that repeating, "Ah, you are my beautiful adopted baby" to your baby while rocking her to sleep is affirming and can help you get used to saying the word "adoption" in a warm and positive way.

Other experts believe that such statements could harm your feelings of entitlement as a parent. In his book Healing the Hurt Child, psychiatrist Denis Donovan says that "Babies have no need to `know' about adoption. They need love, care, nurturance, safety, and challenge." In any case, the main advantage, if any, is probably to the adoptive parent rather than to the child.

Preschoolers

Experts disagree about whether to explain adoption to preschoolers. Psychiatrist Herbert Weider feels very strongly that telling your child he's adopted too early can cause permanent emotional damage. Says Weider, "My clinical data unequivocally demonstrate the traumatic effect of the early communication and its participation in anxiety, confusion and regression. The needs and development of a child of 2 or 3 years are not well served by revelation of his adoptive status. Rather than 'forgetting' the story, my patients continued to be obsessed with the theme." According to Anne Braff, "Modern, educated adoptive parents are so eager to be right, so determined to make no mistakes. Driven by a compulsion for truth, they rush to tell their child the secret of their anguish and joy. Inevitably, they are too truthful, too joyful, and too soon."

Other experts disagree. According to David Brodzinsky, "In the preschool years, when most adoptive couples begin to disclose adoption information to their children, there is little evidence of any immediate, adverse reaction to the information. In fact, young adopted children often have a very positive view of adoption. First they generally are told about being adopted in the context of a warm, loving, and protective family environment. Thus, the emotional climate surrounding the telling process is one which fosters acceptance and positive self-regard."

Brodzinsky finds that the main problem with early explanations is that they often don't stick because the concept of adoption is too complex for a small child to grasp. Most experts agree that preschoolers won't be able to understand the concept of adoption, even when explained at a very basic level. The problem with this is that it can cause the parents to mistakenly believe that their child will need no further explanations and will continue to view adoption positively throughout his or her life. In fact, a team of British therapists speculated that "It seems almost as though there is a wish that the child's early incomprehension should anaesthetise him against the element of pain that is part of the information, and that this anaesthesia should persist and spare him pain when he does comprehend. We would argue that some pain is inseparable from comprehending that one is adopted."

One problem with delaying the adoption explanation until a child is around 8 years old is that young children often know the basic facts of life well before then. Children as young as 2 or 3 notice pregnant women and ask questions. A child may ask whether he grew in his adoptive mother's tummy. Many adoptive parents simply tell the child that Mommy did not give birth to him -- that another woman, the birthmother, gave birth to him, and then he was adopted. Other parents avoid the issue by lying to the child, which can backfire on them later on. Probably the worst thing you can do is ignore the question altogether. Small children have extremely vivid imaginations and may dream up an explanation much more outrageous than the actual situation. Children need to know that all children are born, but not all children are adopted.

If you decide to explain adoption to your preschooler, simple explanations are the best. Do not burden your child with the reasons why the birthparents chose adoption, or your agonizing soul-searching about whether to adopt a child. Remember that preschool children think in very simple, concrete terms and tend to take everything quite literally. The main idea you should try to convey to your child is that he or she was very much wanted by your family. Try to describe how you felt when you first learned about your child. What were you doing when the social worker called to tell you to come and pick up your child? Were you so excited that you ran out in your bathrobe? Simple facts like these, with a positive emotional overtone, are what your child needs to hear.

Pre-Teens

Between the ages of 8 and 11, most adopted children will start to ask questions about adoption. They may ask, "Who arranged the adoption? How was it arranged? What does my birth certificate look like?" It is a good idea to show children their birth certificate (that is, the one you have; probably the original birth certificate is sealed), and to share much of the information you have, depending on individual circumstances.

Your child may have seen single parents on television, and some of his friends may live with only one parent, so the idea of a woman placing a child for adoption simply because she is unmarried may not make much sense to him. Children at this age are likely to be very judgmental and see issues in terms of good and bad -- there is no middle ground for them. Still, they can begin to understand that sometimes children need to be adopted and that adoption is a good way to form families.

It is a good idea to bring up the subject of adoption periodically at appropriate moments. For example, if a relative becomes pregnant, a child may start to think and wonder about her own birth. Or on your child's birthday, she may be a little sad and reflective and may wonder about her birthmother. Social worker and adopted adult Carol Demuth says that birthdays are "...a natural day to 'connect' with the birthmother psychologically. As the adopted person reflects on his own birth, he will wonder if his birthmother is thinking of him too." Rather than asking the child directly, "Are you thinking about your birthmother?", you might state, "I'm very proud of you. And you know what? I think your birthmother would be proud of you, too." This will give your child an opening for bringing the subject up.

Do understand, however, that sometimes the child will not want to talk about adoption. In this case you should back off. As long as the child knows you are open to questions and discussions, then he or she will ask questions when the need arises.

Adolescents

Because of their developing sexuality, questions about their identity, and attempts to break away and become adults, adolescents are particularly likely to have questions about adoption. They are able to understand adoption more fully than younger children, yet they do not have the maturity of adulthood.

Adolescents can begin to understand some of the reasons why birthparents are sometimes unable to parent a child, such as being too young, lack of family acceptance, or financial problems. Your adolescent may be ready to hear all or most of the information you have on the birthparents and their reasons for choosing adoption. Remember, however, that many adolescents have fragile egos, and some negative information might better be revealed when the teenager is older and more mature -- for example, if the child was the result of a rape or if the birthparents had severe problems with alcohol or drug abuse.

Source: Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2006.

This publication is for general informational purposes only and it is not intended to provide any reader with specific authority, advice or recommendations. Where you deem necessary, we suggest that you seek advice regarding your particular situation from the appropriate professional.

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